Voice Over: Do you have shorter arm hair than your friends and sometimes feel sad? Well, Stupidify can help.
Animated Person in Commercial: Before Stupidify, I felt like a crazy anthropomorphic umbrella was chasing me around and my digestive system resembled a brass robot. Now, thanks to Stupidify, I can manage those things.
Voice Over: Stupidify is not for everyone. In some patients it may cause paralysis, incontinence, dementia, erectile dysfunction, birth defects, bloating, internal bleeding, self-mutilation, infertility, violent tremors, toxicity, irritability, sudden death, and cotton candy cravings. Certain patients should not drive, eat, or practice logic when using Stupidify. Be sure to tell your doctor if you are breathing, have a heartbeat, and/or empty your bladder at least once a day.
Back to Person: Before Stupidify, I was taking ten SSRIs, Adderall, an eyelash extension drug, and snorting crushed-up cold medicine while drinking copiously and smoking lots of weed...sometimes taking a psychotropic as needed (all legitimately prescribed by my doctor, of course). Plus a daily vitamin! Now that I’ve added Stupidify to that daily regimen, I can make it through the day without giving a shit.
Voice Over: Ask your doctor if Stupidify is right for you. Self-awareness hurts. Stupidify can help.
Me: WTF WAS that?!?!
Friend: Ana, don't judge.